I need to loose all of these....

I dont know why i feel this way. I'm a type of person who always sees the good in myself, but after my check up yesterday - I feel im not myself anymore. Yes, Im not pretty…im not sexy as well…and my intelligence is just like any other Filipina you know…but i've always feel that i'm a woman of purpose, i know I have a special task to do in this life…unfortunately, until now (im already 27) i still cant figure it out.

Yesterday, I - with my boyfriend went to the hospital and had my check up since I wont show up for work tonight (btw, i work for a call center in Pasig and my shift is from 9pm to 6am) and the nurse, after checking on my blood pressure and all, asked me to step on the weighing scale…i cant recall when was the last time i stepped on thatkind’a scale. Maybe the reason is that I don't want to know how heavy I am, but the nurse repeat herself and i dont have a choice but to do so…I was so humiliated when she said “Mam, you're already 175 lbs!” … i really cant believe it. I was so shocked that it took me a minute to go down the scale and finally go back to my seat. I can still remember when I was in college, my mother would tease me “balyena” (whale) when she found out that I am already 130 lbs. I don't know what will she call me once she learns that her daughter is now 45 lbs heavier! An elephant maybe or a hippo..(sigh)

Seriously, I really feel dismayed. Im not like this before, I used to be a sweet chubby lad with lots of passion to do good and enjoy life, someone who has lots of dreams and a very passionate person always wanting to succeed..but what happened? She now turned into a 175 lbs lady, a girl who sleeps after a heavy meal..a sluggish girl who’d rather ride tricycle (a 3 wheeler bike) than to walk…a girl who does'nt care if her underwear is already worn and torn (as long as she can still use it - it does'nt bother her). I don't want to be like this…my experience with that hospital is really an eye opener. I want to be the person I am 4 years ago…when dreams seems so near and happy days seems endless…

Please stay with me through this jouney of letting go of my weaknesses and taking back what was mine…. Nothing should make me feel as miserable as I am now… Life is beautiful, I can do this….aja!